lonely heartsIt was past mid April. There I was, my heart beating fast in my chest, fear and anxiety washing over me as I gazed tearfully at the two clear lines in front of me. No, this couldn’t be. How could this be? How could I be so unfortunate? Why was I being punished?

I couldn’t take it. I dropped to the bathroom floor head down, screaming and crying, tearing hair out of my head, wanting the floor to open up below me and swallow me. I didn’t want to face a third pregnancy. How could I be pregnant again?

My mobile phone rang…it was my husband. I screamed into the phone that I’m pregnant. Tears kept flowing out. I couldn’t control myself. I felt as if part of me had died that morning.

I spent that day crying, from morning till dusk. Although all I could see was darkness, yet there was this voice inside of me saying, “Everything happens for a reason”, although I was almost annoyed with that voice in my head…I mean come on, what reason could make this worthwhile??

When I got the courage to stop crying, I dragged myself in front of a mirror. I looked at myself. I was a mess, a total mess. My eyes were almost closed, swollen with all the tears that I had cried all day long. My face was red. I was shaking all over.

Thoughts crept in my head. I started to realise the pain that certain women endure when they get pregnant unexpectedly. Because let’s face it, although there may be women who get pregnant unexpectedly through lack of responsibility, yet there are women who get pregnant unexpectedly through rape, sexual abuse, marital abuse, incest…It led me to understand the fears and pains that may drive certain women to abort their unborn babies, not wanting to have to be reminded of the pain they went through every time they look into their babies’ eyes. Realising this was quite an insight for me, since back in December, just four months before, I had been drawn to dedicate a whole blogpost about abortion and why one shouldn’t abort an unborn child.

Although all these thoughts came to my mind, yet at no point was I even seriously thinking of aborting my baby. I could never ever kill an innocent human being, because as small and ‘insignificant’ it was at that time, yet I knew that a new life had started already within me. If I was given this baby, then I was meant to love and protect it. With each passing hour, that voice in my mind became even more clear…”Everything happens for a reason”.

Weeks started to pass. My pregnancy felt unreal. I had almost no pregnancy symptoms, only just a few. It didn’t feel like my other two previous pregnancies. I was just flowing through life feeling comfortably numb.

Throughout the first four months a whole lot of stuff happened in my life. Certain hard decisions had to be taken. Once again I found myself living a nightmare. Yet through that nightmare I started to realise that this ‘unreal’ pregnancy had indeed happened for a reason. This unborn baby, still unknown, still ‘insignificant’, was there to help put pieces back together. To bring back hope into my life and the lives of those I care about and love the most.

More weeks passed. Friday 25th July arrived. My baby’s ultrasound was scheduled.

Although still not very used to the idea of being half way to giving birth to a baby even though I had already been feeling movements from outside my tummy, yet I felt excited to see what was inside me. So I laid down and looked at the monitor while the nurse beside me scanned my tummy.

There was our baby. Wriggling. Moving. Holding her hands in fists while she moved. “It’s a girl!”. There was our little girl, our little baby. We were witnessing proof that our little one was very much real, very much alive! Looking at her made me realise the beauty of life.

Back in April I had thought that I was being punished by getting pregnant again. Yet looking at our little baby girl made me realise we were yet being blessed with another baby, to love and to cherish.

Back in April I had thought that my life was ending, yet looking at her made me realise that this baby was bringing us new life, new hope.

A new dawn…

Later that day we were trying to find a name for our unborn baby girl. One of our daughters came up with a particular name which felt somehow ‘right’ to me, so I searched for its meaning, and interestingly enough it meant ‘Dawn’. That was the confirmation I needed for the new baby name!

And needless to say, I now can’t wait till the right time comes when I can have our baby with us, part of our family, with our other two beloved girls!

To be honest, I was quite reluctant to publish this new blogpost today, since it is very personal.

Yet I do believe that some who will come across it could benefit from some thoughts behind this story.

Looking back I realise that if I had not worked on myself to be positive in life, I may have ended up either ending my life or the life of an innocent unborn baby. Having trained myself to embrace whatever comes along as being for my highest good made me pick myself back up during times where all seemed dark. Seeing my baby so alive on the ultrasound monitor made me realise what a precious baby I could have lost if I had not learned to accept all that happens as being for a reason, even if it is unknown at the start.

So why am I writing all this here?

Definitely to show you why it is so important to work on being positive and finding that little grain of positivity even in the darkest hours. Yes I did get slammed down by the unperceived reality at that moment in time, yet there was that voice within me all the time, there to console me and to remind me what I had been training myself on for the past couple of years…

Everything happens for a reason!

Want to be able to accept all that comes as is the way I did? Simple. Just train yourself to be grateful. Grateful for the blessings in your life. Grateful for all the good things that happen to you. Say it out loud. There is no such thing as a ‘doomed’ life or a ‘doomed’ destiny. Life is what you make it. Forget the pains, just focus on those little things you are grateful for. The more grateful you are, the more life gives you things to be grateful for. Open yourself up to miracles, and life will give you more miracles.

Be grateful. Love life. Stay positive…always and no matter what 🙂

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